“Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.” - Doc Holiday, Tombstone

So you’re probably surfing back to google wondering why we here at the least read webpage on the internet Horsetoothed have yet to write up anything on the BCS yet. Yea, we had Amaysing’s post following the final week of games, but not one since the bowl finalists have actually been named. There is a good reason for this, were fucking lazy were fucking lazy (damn it…).

Well, lazy actually doesn’t cover all of it. I’ve actually planned on waiting a while before doing a write up for the sheer fact that I wanted to cool down before attempting to write about what a shitfest the BCS Bowls will be. If I’d have written about it the moment I found out who would be matched up, the whole column probably would have consisted of the word FUCK over and over again.

In a year that continuously displayed the complete ignorance and moronic futility of the human race, I can only offer up the following nugget of fuck-off’ness to the Bowl Championship Series; you had this coming. You guys fucked yourself. I wasn’t the fucking retard who VASTLY overrated Kansas, Mizzou, Illinois or Hawaii. I wasn’t the shit-dicked homo who feasted on the man-naise of obviously mediocre teams, leading to the worst Rose, Orange, Fiesta and Sugar Bowl selections ever in one year.

From the same group of assfucks who gave us the ‘03 Co-Champs, here is this years monumental array of fuck-ups:

Rose Bowl - USC vs Illinois

Raise your hands, which one of you four readers think that Pete Carroll is not even preparing for this game? Keep your hands up if you think that USC could re-enlist the murderous OJ, call running plays the whole game and still crush the Fraudulent Illini by 40 points. Continue to keep your hands up if you believe that the USC Song Girls could suit up and kick the shit out of these assholes?

But flohtingPoint, Illinois beat Ohio State! Well sweet sack of doodily-shit, have a cock sandwich and shut the fuck up. Boeckman was an interception machine that game and Ohio State deserved to get blown out, yet instead only lost by a TD. Besides, who the fuck, other than the dumbshit ranking systems, actually thinks Ohio State is for real? Illinois had a harder path than those fecal-fuckfaces. In Ohio State’s three hardest games this year (Purdue, Illinois and Michigan), Boeckman has passed for a total of 2 TD’s and 7 INT’s.

“Pete Cizzle, lemme get some reps in at Q-Bizzle!”
“How about WR Doggfather, we already got Anne Franks dead ass playing QB…”

Fiesta Bowl - Oklahoma vs West Virgina

West Virginia without Pat White is like porno without the chicks. Its that bad… You thought Oregon without Dennis Dixon was bad, West Virginia without Pat is like watching Peter North bang Mr. Marcus. With that said, I’ll be sure to be doing something else, like filleting my dick, instead of watching this game.

While doing a google images seach for “Pat White”, I came across this pic, which, consequently, is equally as ugly as West Virginia without him.

Sugar Bowl - Georgia vs Hawaii

It’s a battle between the midget-cocked shit smellers as to who is the biggest fraud in the BCS, Hawaii or Kansas. Since Kansas was number 2 at one point in the season, I’ll go with them out of great vengeance and furious anger, but Hawaii did have the 137th ranked schedule (meaning at least 18 Div 1aa schools had harder roads), so you can take your choice of who is more deserving of the helmet and short bus.

Hawaii features the quarterback rapist known as Colt Brennan, who by a fluke of nature and an Arizona State team who’s coach threw in the towel as he was about to be fired, broke the record for most TD passes in a season last year. Thats great and everything, but last time I checked, people from the WAC are fucking worthless. Yea, you had your little Boise State miracle last year, but seriously, you think the Russians think to themselves, “Man, those Americanovich’s are as tough as Linux!” because of one fluke in 1980? Fuck no. They know we’re fucking bitches who got lucky because their team choked. Don’t even expect the same type of divine intervention to assist Hawaii against an SEC team. Colt Brennan will get a dose of his own medicine, as he will be the one bent over a counter and violently fucked like Marcellus Wallace.

“Nah man, we far from ok…”

Orange Bowl - Kansas vs Virginia Tech

Ah yes, the other game featuring this years biggest fraud. Look for Virginia Tech to put the lockdown on Kansas and shoot them up like Seung-Hui Cho. Kansas’ cognac is far from good enough to hope to have a chance against this school of cold hard killers. I’ll probably tune in for the post game feeding of the corpses to Michael Vick’s secret dog-stash.

Look for Virgina Tech to show Kansas how to Run ‘N Gun.