“Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You’re all older. You’re even uglier. Uch. I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.” - Fred, Drop Dead Fred

Dear China,

Please stop sending pussies to the National Basketball Association. While it’s monumentally sad to think that Yi Jianlian (a bust) and Yao Ming (busted up) is the best you have to offer, I’d much rather think of it as some kind of fucked up joke that you are all in on, chuckling as you send one tall pussy after another to kill democracy through destroying a teams salary cap space. Honestly, have you watched your exports? No? Well, in the words of Avi Denovitz from Snatch, “Shut up, sit down you big bald fuck,” and allow me to tell you about your massive pieces of shit you sent us.

Meet Yi Jianlian. Oh wait, you already fucking met. Yea, thats right, you assholes were with him at the pre-draft camps and denied some teams from meeting him. After unsuccessfully manipulating the draft, you then ordered Yi to pout like a bitch (which he performed magnificently) until he was traded from Milwaukee (part of me agrees with this tactic though, Milwaukee fucking sucks and I’m not just talking about the team, the city also sucks dick). You figured if David Stern can manipulate the draft so Patrick Ewing winds up in New York, then you guys were home free… Error on your part as you forgot that David Stern only gives a shit about the San Antonio Spurs or making sure that Dwayne Wade gets to shoot 20 free throws a game.

Stuck in Milwaukee, the 24 27 22 20 year old star from the Guangdong Tigers is averaging a stellar 9 pts, 5 rebounds and less than 1 assist per game. Aside from his on court domination, Yi also holds the record for the “creepiest looking motherfucker in the NBA”. I shit you not, fuckface here looks like you should put him on a tricycle, wheel him into a room and have him tell a bunch of fucks that Jigsaw wants to play a game.

Yi, informing someone to rip open a person’s stomach
to acquire the key to the bear trap helmet.

We covered Yi, so that leaves us with the original menstruating vagina you sent us, Yao.  Despite being the tallest player in the league (meaning he has seven inches Tim Duncan, 50 pounds too), Yao is just about the softest player in the league.  Yao plays like the rim is made of razor wire and everyone inside the key will spontaneously combust if touched.  Honestly, I’ve seen poodles more ferocious than he gets.  When Yao first came into the league, each year I would be afraid that one of these days he’ll figure out that he’s the big boy on the playground. After his pussified 05-06 campaign, I’ve since relinqueshed such thoughts for certain fact that he’ll always beat a battered housewife on the court.

In closing, China, we respect the fact that you all have stepped up and taken the place of the USSR to give us something to fear whenever our government deems it necessary.  Your next step should be to take a page out of the Soviets playbook and start producing atheletes that actually possess male genitalia and the ability to produce testosterone. If ever there is someone you might deem worthy of shipping off the to the NBA, try checking their iPOD for The Fray or ask them if their nipples lactate.

V/R,
Horsetoothed.com