“The sign says ‘Glendale’, be we all know this is Phoenix…” - Corey Taylor, Slipknot

Most of my “growing up” years were spent in Phoenix, Arizona. I was there when AZ decided it might be a good idea to get rid of Martin Luther King day (“Civil rights, schmivil rights” - Joe Arpaio). I was present for the 1992-1993 Phoenix Suns championship run. I don’t know how many summer days I spent skating at the park at 67th Ave and Encanto. And before I parted ways with the Valley of the Sun, I lived off 79th Avenue, in part of the Phoenix metropolitan area called Glendale.

My stay in Glendale was not the longest, but it was one of the most fun. I had a kickass job working at Osco Drug Store, selling colostomy bags and potty chairs to fucks with one foot in the grave. I was attending the world renowned Devry Technical Institute, where most of the time I would ditch class and download nekkid vids off Scour from the computer lab. I drove the coolest automobile a 20 year old could want, a 1993 Nissan Hardbody Pickup, complete with a hole in the dash where someone stole my tape deck. Yea, I had the life, and I knew it… Sometimes at work, I would go on break, leaving some poor geriatric person to contemplate the in’s and out’s of how to climb up on their new potty chair from their walker, and smoke a cig while dreaming about how awesome Glendale is.

*record scratch*

Or at least how awesome it used to be before those cock smoking New England Patriots won the fucking AFC Championship Game. What the fuck were you thinking Norv Turner. Hmm, this team has been kicking the shit out of me all day on the ground. Ah gee, its 4th down and I’m a good distance into enemy territory in the 4th quarter and losing. LETS PUNT!!!! Smart move dipshit, who wanted to play in the Super Bowl anyway? Those Patriots took your dumbfuck punt and grinded the whole fucking clock down. Even Marty wasn’t that conservative!

Bad motherfucking choice, motherfucker….

Oh, and way to go out in style too you fucking crybabies! New England was playing a little too rough so you gotta go sobbing to the press? Are you serious? Someone find me Charles Barkley to spit on these fuckers pronto. Not only was this totally classless (and yea, this is coming from someone who cheered when Steve Kerr’s dad died just because he was a Wildcat), but you bitches came off looking like Arnie from “Whats Eating Gilbert Grape”. How is it possible to look like more of a bitch than your teammate who only played two plays and then took himself out of the game? I don’t know, but you accomplished it!

And then- and then- and then they stepped on my fooooooot!!!!!! =(

So once again, thanks Norv Turner for letting the New England Patriots and the whole nation of annoying ass Boston fans into Phoenix. I hope that the contract killer I hired to gut Bill Simmons gives me a discount on taking you out. Don’t even think you can hide either, cause he’s got that badass eagle vision that nobody uses in Assassins Creed, so he’ll track you down, shank you with his hidden blade and then lay low in a wagon of hay until the Fuzz lose track of him.

Look, all I can say is that I hope Eli Manning doesn’t wake up and realize that for the first time in his life, he’s playing above average ball at a high level. I take that back, I can also hope that the Patriots die in a plane crash (WE ARE BOSTON!!!!!). Either way, welcome to Arizona you spy-camera using fucks. Please know that everyone there hates you and any girls you bang will be from our army of aids women we keep for just these occasions.

To commemorate how much more badass Phoenix is than those fuckin retah’ded assholes from Boston, this weeks BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging) is Alyssa Andrews of Phoenix, Arizona. One can only hope that the Giants fuck the Patriots as hard as I’d bang her…