Archive for the 'LSU' Category

The Morning After

Published by flohtingPoint on September 2, 2008 in Bowling Green, Pittsburgh, Virginia, Kevin Craft, Tennessee, UCLA, College Football, LSU, Gianna, Appalachian State and Fuck USC. 0 Comments

“Anyone ever tell you you say “fuck” a lot?” - Ron Klain, Recount

Before I get started, I suppose I should kick this off by saying that Kevin Craft fucking sucks.  The first quarter of this game isn’t even finished and he’s already thrown two picks that a Pop-Warner quarterback wouldn’t have tossed.  Norm Chow must be shitting a chicken right now, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with this fuck at least until October.  Anyway, on with the column.

The Morning After is a column I’ll be doing this season on the first major work day of the week, highlighting the games I watched this weekend, both NFL and NCAA.  Not to doddle around (because I have a fresh stack of Gianna porn downloaded), here are this weeks games (I will be interrupting intermittently to toss in side notes about the UCLA game):

-LSU (7) vs Appalachian State

Retards across the nation thought that this game had—

Hold the fuck up, allow me to doddle for a second.  Anyone notice that Gianna’s titties are getting floppier and floppier?  She’s going to have to do something about this as I’m finding some of her recent stuff slightly disturbing, the way those semi-filled sacks of flesh are flying around like a grandmother’s under-arm skin.

injuriespic.jpg

UCLA just blocked a punt on one of the worst examples of special teams
blocking I’ve seen.  Bill Gramatica thinks Tennessee are morons.

On with the chlorophyll….  As I was saying, retards across the nation thought this game had upset written all over it.  These are probably the same dumbfucks that thought the Bills had a chance in the Super Bowl after Thurman Thomas forgot his helmet.  Seriously, you couldn’t even get someone with Parkinson’s to convulse in a motion that would show them giving an upset the nod.  The only thing I found slightly puzzling about this game is why App State didn’t pull their QB after a quarter or two…

LSU won 8 zillion to -2, or something like that, I turned it off half way through the third because I was falling asleep.

-Bowling Green at Pittsburgh (25)

At least we wont be hearing about how shitty Pac-10 officials are this season (like we did all season a few years back after the Oregon/Oklahoma debacle).  No, this time the serious snafu came  from the faggots in the Big East and luckily for us, it didn’t cost the penalized team the game.  Robbing Kenny Lewis of his fumble recovery for a touchdown didn’t change the fact that Wannstedt still sucks.

 Kevin Craft just got ripped for a fourth time, this time it was a pick-6.  I can’t wait to hear Lou Holtz and his stroke-like speech impediment break down how shitty Craft is.

Bowling Green won in straight sets, dropping only two games.

 -USC (3) at Virginia

Side note, did anyone know the La Bamba kid was either Asian or a Pacific islander?  Not Richie Valens, but the guy who played him.  A voting commercial features him, Margaret Cho and Harold from Harold and Kumar, preaching to folks of their nationality to post a ballot this year.  Honestly, I’m sure the viewing populous of the UCLA/Tenn game is about 99% male.  I think they’d be better off featuring Miko Lee, Kianna Dior and Minka in a voting ad.

 kianna.jpg
“Vote and I’ll fuck the shit out of you,” works a lot better
than getting told to participate in the election by a fat headded Marge Cho.

Right, USC and Virginia.  Apparently that preseason injury that Mark Sanchez suffered isn’t hampering him anymore.  Completing 74% of his passes and 3 TD strikes, he looked in good form.  With this in mind, I’m going to re-add the Jeff Gillooly hit on him to my Amazon.com wishlist.

USC came out of the gates hard and didn’t look back.  Leading 24 to 7 in the first half, USC continued their tradition of running up the score, concluding the game 52 to 7.  Normally I’d take any shot I can at USC, because, well, they’re fuckwads, but one cannot blame them for putting up four more touchdowns in the second half of this game.  The squad that Virginia put on the field reminded me of the NFL teams that Pete Carroll coached…

USC, to not get too far ahead of myself, is looking very vicious this year.   Anything could happen week to week, but at this point, it’s looking like this years matchup between them and Stanford will be around the 600-3 range, followed by the big, faggoty, horse mounted “Man of Troy” chopping down the Stanford Tree and feasting on the blood of his enemies.

-Alabama (24) at Clemson (9) and Illinois (20) at Missouri (6)

 I’m smashing both of these together because I was already at the bar, slamming down beers and remember only bits and pieces of these contests.  Quick touches on these…

  • C.J. Spiller is stupid fast.  While returning a kick for a TD, he was grabbed and slowed, but his acceleration was just amazing.  His ability to change gears at a moments notice alone will make me want to take in more Clemson games this season.
  • Juice Williams is stupid good.  If someone was to tell me he’d pass for 450 yards, 5  td’s and still lose, I’d tell them to-, well I’d tell them nothing actually, as Sam Keller destroyed LSU for 460 yards but the Sun Devils were robbed as the refs gave LSU a pity score, calling the incomplete pass to Early Doucet a touchdown.
  • The polls are stupid.  Clemson ninth ranked?  Get the fuck out of here.  The Tigers made John Parker Wilson look like Peyton Manning, and Ingram and Coffee look like Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams.
  • I might be stupid.  I still don’t buy Mizzou as a real team.  Illinois is fresh off a bowl butt-fuck from USC, let’s see if Mizzou can finally beat Oklahoma before we crown that ass.

And the UCLA game just gets interesting… On the exact same play that Craft tossed a pick-6 on, he now made the throw of the game, followed by a UCLA TD run to put them up.   Later on, Craft leads them on a last minute drive to to put them up.  Talk about night and day between the two halves…

Tomorrow: NFL picks for this week

Glenn Dorsey: Steve Emtman 2.0

Published by flohtingPoint on February 26, 2008 in LSU, NFL and NCAA. 3 Comments

Folie a plusieurs: A rare psychiatric a rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of psychosis (particularly a paranoid or delusional belief) is transmitted from one individual to many.

Regardless of sport, every year there is at least one person that folks go berserk over for little fucking good reason. Three years ago it was a backup forward named Marvin Williams out of UNC. Two years ago it was Reggie Bust Bush. Last year, JaMarcus Russell held that title and now this year his former teammate, Glenn Dorsey gets to wear the crown.


Folks, folks, take it from me, Marvin Williams, Yi Jan… Jon… Jay-guh-lang
has a bright career ahead of him.

I can count on one hand the number of “good” sportscasters there are out there. They are the kind that actually know their stuff. They can spew historical references and gush insightful knowledge in strategic analysis. These folk allow me to turn up the volume on my television and not hate myself afterward. Sadly, they are few and far between… Yes, the majority of individuals that make up the sportscasting/journalism/talk radio are your run of the mill morons that are barely smarter than the kid who wears a helmet in the back of the shortbus and sometimes eats boogers. They have little in the way of genuine ideas or statements and usually just regurgitate what the popular “water cooler” talk is in the sports world. You can blame these fuckfaces for the fame and infamy of every worthless piece of shit you’re tired of hearing about.

Take a trip back to 1991 with me. Freddie Mercury kicked the bucket from boning dudes and nabbing AIDS. Speaking of music, everytime you turn on the radio, you hear the bellow of a douchebag that three years later will put a shotgun in his mouth and seal Nirvana’s place in history as the most overrated shithole band ever. Operation Desert Storm got put into full gear as the USA prepared to make a big deal out of a totally lopsided battle (years later, Floridians will do the same thing when celebrating their crushing victory over Ohio State for the BCS title). In April, 70 tornadoes touched down in the central part of America, sadly not wiping out all of the Big-10 and Big-12, thus giving way to years upon years of more overrated football and basketball programs. Speaking of football, the University of Washington is geared up to run the table and take home the National Championship.


Freddie Mercury set the groundwork for Ganstalicious’ hit, “Do The Homie”

The 1991 Washington Huskies were never really the most competent offensive team. They were lead on that side of the ball by a pair of future flame outs named Billy Joe Hobert and Mark Burnell. While they didn’t choke away any triple overtime games like the 2007 LSU Tigers, it was more than evident that their defense was what put the hash marks in the win column each week. Steve Emtman anchored their defensive line as they punished opponents week in and week out, then went on to embarrass Michigan in the Rose Bowl (a couple months before Michigan would go on to get embarrassed by a bunch of white guys and Grant Hill in the NCAA Tournament). Emtman was the talk of the town and the sports nation, much like Glenn Dorsey was last year.

In 1992, the Fab Five were still a year away from Chris Webber calling an ill advised time out and Kurt Cobain was two years away from making the best news of the 90’s and ending shitass “grunge” music. The Indianapolis Colts held the rights to the first AND second pick in the draft that year, assuring the fact that Emtman would be theirs, along with A&M standout and future flame out, Quentin Coryatt. Things were looking up for the shitbag Colts and my Pop (a longtime Colts fan) was all smiles. I’ll never forget helping him paint the house while watching the Dolphins play Indy and hearing my Father cheer as Emtman picked off Dan Marino and ran it back 90 yards for a touchdown, sealing the win for the Colts. All was well, until Emtman obliterated his knee, wound up making an ass out of Indy and sending his career into a downward spiral that would rival that of a kamikaze pilot.

All of this previous season in Div 1a college football, anytime anyone mentioned defense, Glenn’s name was brought up. Even though Glenn was enabled pretty much useless after a chop block kicked the shit out of him during a match against Auburn, he gimped away with the Outland and Lombardi trophies. If this were a world where common sense prevails, one would be inclined to deduce that Dorsey won those mainly due to the fact that he played in the SEC, at LSU and the atrocious hype that followed him combined with the ignorance of voters. Luckily, we live in a world jam packed with dumbfucks, so lets throw that logic out and call Dorsey what everyone else wants to call him, the best lineman prospect in the draft. To quote Iron Maiden, “Woe to you oh earth and sea, for the Devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short…” Translation: You’re fucked if you draft this fragile motherfucker, because he’ll fall apart quickly, taking your cash with him.

You can’t blame Indianapolis for taking Emtman first overall, it was the no brainier choice and they had no idea that an injury plagued career was soon to follow. You can, however, blame any fuckstick dumb enough to choose a battered lineman that looked less like a top 5 overall pick and more like Quazzimoto hobbling around the field at the seasons end. Said team will feel extra stupid if THIS becomes a bigger issue too. Buyer beware and prepare an incentive laden contract instead of forking a bunch of stupidass money over to someone who’s going to crap out quicker than Dejuan Wagner.

Fuck Tuesday, I’m out!

You asked for it…

Published by flohtingPoint on January 8, 2008 in BCS, Ohio State, LSU, BIWMB and USC. 4 Comments

“It’s like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!” - Captain Murphy, Sealab 2021

Congratulations fuckers!  Way to waste my college football season…   I’m really surprised that Amaysing didn’t do a write up on the LSU victory, or maybe after the text he sent me last night, he just gave up on watching that fuckhole fiesta too.   Me?  I didn’t watch that shit at all…  You think I’m going to spend my time watching a team that lost to Kentucky and Arkansas (who went on to get bastardized by pathetic ass Mizzou), take on a team that lost to Illinois (who, using blood as lubrication, got their anus eviscerated by USC)?  Fuck off…

 
If Kirk Herbstreet hadn’t outed me early about the Michigan shit, I might have
gotten to eat your children every year Tressel…

I wasted too many minutes of my precious life watching the other stupid ass BCS contests (homo Rainbow Warriors and the worthless ass Illini) to be stupid enough to think that Ohio State could pull off a victory.  All of LSU could have snapped their legs like Willis fucking McGahee and Ohio State still would have choked like bitches.  Yes, last night, while millions of viewers were dumbfucking it up and watching that stupid shit, just know that I was at home, watching the Bones season 2 DVD’s with my roommate.  Yea, I was watching dumbass Bones instead of football, and I’m not the idiot here…

 Anyway, in more important info, here is another edition of BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging).  Today’s is quite the gem, found through boredom and by wasting far too much time.  Erin McKinnon (http://erin-mckinnon.blogspot.com/) of Daytona Beach, Florida was the winner of Maxim’s “Hometown Hottie” contest, or something… I don’t really read Maxim (wtf is the point of paying for the magazine when the internet is jam packed with hotter, naked’er women), so I cant really elaborate on how she crushed the competition with her DSL’s or tight ass body, but I can say that she has some fucking awesome DSL’s and a tight ass body.

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