Archive for the 'College Football' Category

The Morning After

Published by flohtingPoint on September 2, 2008 in Bowling Green, Pittsburgh, Virginia, Kevin Craft, Tennessee, UCLA, College Football, LSU, Gianna, Appalachian State and Fuck USC. 0 Comments

“Anyone ever tell you you say “fuck” a lot?” - Ron Klain, Recount

Before I get started, I suppose I should kick this off by saying that Kevin Craft fucking sucks.  The first quarter of this game isn’t even finished and he’s already thrown two picks that a Pop-Warner quarterback wouldn’t have tossed.  Norm Chow must be shitting a chicken right now, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with this fuck at least until October.  Anyway, on with the column.

The Morning After is a column I’ll be doing this season on the first major work day of the week, highlighting the games I watched this weekend, both NFL and NCAA.  Not to doddle around (because I have a fresh stack of Gianna porn downloaded), here are this weeks games (I will be interrupting intermittently to toss in side notes about the UCLA game):

-LSU (7) vs Appalachian State

Retards across the nation thought that this game had—

Hold the fuck up, allow me to doddle for a second.  Anyone notice that Gianna’s titties are getting floppier and floppier?  She’s going to have to do something about this as I’m finding some of her recent stuff slightly disturbing, the way those semi-filled sacks of flesh are flying around like a grandmother’s under-arm skin.

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UCLA just blocked a punt on one of the worst examples of special teams
blocking I’ve seen.  Bill Gramatica thinks Tennessee are morons.

On with the chlorophyll….  As I was saying, retards across the nation thought this game had upset written all over it.  These are probably the same dumbfucks that thought the Bills had a chance in the Super Bowl after Thurman Thomas forgot his helmet.  Seriously, you couldn’t even get someone with Parkinson’s to convulse in a motion that would show them giving an upset the nod.  The only thing I found slightly puzzling about this game is why App State didn’t pull their QB after a quarter or two…

LSU won 8 zillion to -2, or something like that, I turned it off half way through the third because I was falling asleep.

-Bowling Green at Pittsburgh (25)

At least we wont be hearing about how shitty Pac-10 officials are this season (like we did all season a few years back after the Oregon/Oklahoma debacle).  No, this time the serious snafu came  from the faggots in the Big East and luckily for us, it didn’t cost the penalized team the game.  Robbing Kenny Lewis of his fumble recovery for a touchdown didn’t change the fact that Wannstedt still sucks.

 Kevin Craft just got ripped for a fourth time, this time it was a pick-6.  I can’t wait to hear Lou Holtz and his stroke-like speech impediment break down how shitty Craft is.

Bowling Green won in straight sets, dropping only two games.

 -USC (3) at Virginia

Side note, did anyone know the La Bamba kid was either Asian or a Pacific islander?  Not Richie Valens, but the guy who played him.  A voting commercial features him, Margaret Cho and Harold from Harold and Kumar, preaching to folks of their nationality to post a ballot this year.  Honestly, I’m sure the viewing populous of the UCLA/Tenn game is about 99% male.  I think they’d be better off featuring Miko Lee, Kianna Dior and Minka in a voting ad.

 kianna.jpg
“Vote and I’ll fuck the shit out of you,” works a lot better
than getting told to participate in the election by a fat headded Marge Cho.

Right, USC and Virginia.  Apparently that preseason injury that Mark Sanchez suffered isn’t hampering him anymore.  Completing 74% of his passes and 3 TD strikes, he looked in good form.  With this in mind, I’m going to re-add the Jeff Gillooly hit on him to my Amazon.com wishlist.

USC came out of the gates hard and didn’t look back.  Leading 24 to 7 in the first half, USC continued their tradition of running up the score, concluding the game 52 to 7.  Normally I’d take any shot I can at USC, because, well, they’re fuckwads, but one cannot blame them for putting up four more touchdowns in the second half of this game.  The squad that Virginia put on the field reminded me of the NFL teams that Pete Carroll coached…

USC, to not get too far ahead of myself, is looking very vicious this year.   Anything could happen week to week, but at this point, it’s looking like this years matchup between them and Stanford will be around the 600-3 range, followed by the big, faggoty, horse mounted “Man of Troy” chopping down the Stanford Tree and feasting on the blood of his enemies.

-Alabama (24) at Clemson (9) and Illinois (20) at Missouri (6)

 I’m smashing both of these together because I was already at the bar, slamming down beers and remember only bits and pieces of these contests.  Quick touches on these…

  • C.J. Spiller is stupid fast.  While returning a kick for a TD, he was grabbed and slowed, but his acceleration was just amazing.  His ability to change gears at a moments notice alone will make me want to take in more Clemson games this season.
  • Juice Williams is stupid good.  If someone was to tell me he’d pass for 450 yards, 5  td’s and still lose, I’d tell them to-, well I’d tell them nothing actually, as Sam Keller destroyed LSU for 460 yards but the Sun Devils were robbed as the refs gave LSU a pity score, calling the incomplete pass to Early Doucet a touchdown.
  • The polls are stupid.  Clemson ninth ranked?  Get the fuck out of here.  The Tigers made John Parker Wilson look like Peyton Manning, and Ingram and Coffee look like Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams.
  • I might be stupid.  I still don’t buy Mizzou as a real team.  Illinois is fresh off a bowl butt-fuck from USC, let’s see if Mizzou can finally beat Oklahoma before we crown that ass.

And the UCLA game just gets interesting… On the exact same play that Craft tossed a pick-6 on, he now made the throw of the game, followed by a UCLA TD run to put them up.   Later on, Craft leads them on a last minute drive to to put them up.  Talk about night and day between the two halves…

Tomorrow: NFL picks for this week

Finally Fucking Friday

Published by flohtingPoint on August 29, 2008 in US Open, McCain, South Carolina, Stanford, College Football, fff and BIWMB. 0 Comments

“Oh, sell me the infection, it is only for the weak…” - In Flames, Only for the Weak

Anyone else watch the Democratic National Convention?

Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?

Yea,  me neither.  I’m flipping between the Stanford game, the Cawks game and the US Open.  Good job fuckheads, pick the one day when meaningful football returns and try to run head to head with it.  After months of the United States having to put up with the futile sport that is baseball, you have your political party circle-jerk on the kickoff of college football.  A huge, sincere thumbs up.  My ass may just vote for McCain now.

In a complete display of how pathetic most folks are, apparently there are some iPhones in circulation that have pictures of some fat-headed homely looking bitch on them that is causing quite a commotion.  iDouchebags across the globe are going nuts over this shit. Acclamations of “OMG CUTE” are being iShouted on blogs, boards and webpages by losers whose only photos of girls on their phones before this were from the one’s they’ve been stalking.  Honestly, if I got a phone with shit like this on it, I’d just be happy if I could delete them (I have like 17 photos on my shitty phone that came default that are undeletable).

 douchebitch.jpg
Hopefully she’ll be iShitcanned soon before the infection spreads.

 In non-fugly related news, it’s been a long time coming, on to this weeks BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging).

 This week I’m sorta cheating, as this blog is more of an advertisement ploy than an actual blog.  There is very little, if any, pertinent information in this blog, but then again most of my previous ones were all from Sweden, scribed in unintelligible gibberish, so it’s not like we’re missing out on anything.

This weeks BIWMB is Taylor Stevens (NSFW).  According to one of my favorite sites, Boobpedia (which is like Wikipedia, cept for porn stars, NSFW!!!!), Taylor was born in Toronto, Canada and is of Middle Eastern decent.  Her blog is used to plug her webcam which she uses to make a living by sitting at home and jiggling her breasts (which if you ask me, is a totally respectable way of life).

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biwmb28aug.jpg

 biwmb28aug5.jpg

 

 240px-taylor_stevens_xlgirls_01.jpg
Taylor used to be fucking enormous, but as I’ve
always said, God bless bitches that use science to create
things I want to put my dick in.

Dear Philip Rivers…

Published by flohtingPoint on January 15, 2008 in Rudy Carpenter, Philip Rivers, College Football, BIWMB, Moosecocked idiots and NFL. 2 Comments

“You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity…” - Bullet Tooth Tony, Snatch


Look “7 year old in the stands”, dont make me come up
there and shove that hotdog up your ass!

Dear Philip Rivers,

Allow me to start off by saying that I wont be too disappointed if you dont read this. We are, perhaps, the least read blog on the internet (outside of the Michael David Chapman fanclub).

Now that I got the pleasantries out of the way, on to the meat and potatoes.
Look, while I thought that your little… uh… tiff with Jay Cutler was remotely funny (mainly because nobody likes Jay Cutler anyway), this dumb shit with the fans and you going batshit all the time, like you’ve been jacking Shawne Merriman’s roid stash, has got to stop. If you continue down this path, you’ll become…

Meet Rudy Carpenter, Phil. Rudy is just fresh off getting tag team bowl-fucked by Hawaii and Texas, so you’ll have to excuse him if he inadvertently cuts the cheese every once in a while because his anus looks like the puss of a woman who’s given birth 10 times. Rudy was doing the “I’m a badass” thing LONG before you started in on this shit encrusted path. He gets into regular verbal battles with SUN DEVIL fans (yea, thats right, he yells at his own supporters), causing screaming matches outside of barber shops or across campus. What about when he’s on the road? Forget about it, he’s jawing at everything in sight, making him the asshole of the PAC-10.

Back in high school, Rudy was “going steady” with a young woman named Brynn Cameron. Figuring he probably had his future set in stone, he thought he had nothing to worry about. Wrong… Brynn later went on to become one of Matt Leinart’s 10,000 bitches at USC, yet instead of busting on her face Bang Bro’s style, he impregnated her and bailed… Rudy is now daddy #2, as last time I heard, he’s taking care of Matt’s little love-mistake and living with Brynn. Real winner right there.

Phil, you’re one of the few people in the NFL that I don’t really have a problem with, or make fun of on a constant basis, but unless you want to join the ranks of Rudy “I let my daddy fight my battle vs Sam Keller” Carpenter, I’d suggest taking it down a notch.

Begrudgingly Yours (because you’re the only QB left in the playoffs that I don’t hate),
flohtingPoint and the staff here at Horsetoothed.com

Horsetoothed.com’s BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging):

p05-08-07_2317.jpg

Today’s BIWMB belongs to Manuela Pastore of Palermo, Italia. She’s ridiculous… I’d have to spend months saying Our Father’s and Hail Mary’s because of how carnal my knowledge would be. Yea, I miss traveling around my motherland of Italia, where I could splash on some olive oil, spray on my garlic scented Brut and pick up women.

Just Imagine…

Published by flohtingPoint on January 10, 2008 in Pete Carroll, College Football, Fuck USC, NFL and NCAA. 0 Comments

“Cause if you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck, it just means that a million people are stupid as fuck…” - Immortal Technique

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3187424

As I type this, I continue to pray that somehow the Falcons find a way to sign Pete Carroll. How fitting would it be to have him at the helm of the Atlanta Falcons… One can only dream.


Get me the Tuna on the phone NOW!
You think I have a fucking clue how to run this show???

Meet Pete Carroll…  No not the one holding up the big glass football after stomping the pathetic Sooners.  Not the one who toted that same trophy the glass football sits on, to each game the next year, setting it on the sidelines like some supreme asshole.  We’re talking about the REAL Pete Carroll here.

Find me a coach of any mediocre high school team and I can show you someone who would be widely successful at USC.  It doesn’t take a football genius to take a program that already has a name for itself and is in a location where the women are fucking ridiculously beautiful, and continue success.  How hard is it to recruit when your bitches look like 10’s and you have a whole section of bleachers dedicated to your past greats?   During games, you could take your little laminated sheet of plays, place a salamander on it and whatever play he crawls to at any given moment, you could run and still have  a minimum of 10 wins a year.

Yes, I’m talking about the real Pete Carroll here.  The one who got shit-canned from the Jets after just one year.  The Pete who took a Bill Parcells built Patriots team and made them look like complete ass.  HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A BILL PARCELLS TEAM?  Look at Wade Phillips, he’s on the cusp of making a run at the Super Bowl with the team the Tuna built for him, and thats WADE FUCKING PHILLIPS.  Wade is so fucking stupid that I’d have someone standing next to him at all times, reminding him to breathe so he doesn’t turn blue and pass out.

Please, for the love of all things hateful, let Pete Carroll sign with the Falcons.  The time between when NBA season ends and NFL season starts is probably the most painful, as far as killing time at work goes, as baseball is fucking retarded, but the pure fact of knowing that Pete Carroll would be on the sidelines in Atlanta would have me giddy like a little greedy shitfaced kid before Christmas.

PS: flohtingPoint 23 - Amaysing 12

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