“Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to the fair, “Give me your pies… or I’ll cave in your head.” - Simon, Die Hard: With a Vengeance

Kiss your season good-bye fuckers! This team is about
to look as bad as my toilet after eating Filibertos all night.

Last week marked the beginning of The Big Geriatric’s era with the Phoenix Suns, and what better way to kick it off than with a loss. I honestly can’t think of a better way to say, “Hey, were here to dominate,” than with a pride obliterating, penis kick check mark in the “L” category to your former teammate who had your fatass thrown out of Los Angeles. Aside from the “winning tradition” The Big Colonblow brings to The Valley of the Sun, his leadership was on full display that night as he clocked the fuck out of Raja Bell, knocking him and his whole 0-3 shooting display out of the game.

Game two for The Big Fatfuck wasn’t all that much better. While watching this at a bar, from tipoff to about the 5 minute mark in the first quarter, one couldn’t help thinking that The Big Shitcake was gearing up to grab 30 rebounds that night. By halftime, it was evident that I was just drunk while gauging that previous thought and that I should shut the fuck up and watch Boston choke the game away. Yea, thats right, they choked. You could have matched Boston up with the 92-93 Dallas Mavericks and the Celtics still would have found a way to hand that game away.

Which finally brings us to the end of the week game against Detroit, where Phoenix decided that not winning regular season games works so dandy for San Antonio, that they and The Big Corpulent chalked up one hell of an impressively apathetic performance. After the game, teammates were crowded around the locker room asking The Big BayouBengal if getting their ass handed to them by the Pistons is supposed to hurt this much. While The Big Katrina was explaining how it was all Kobe’s fault they lost that finals series, Ben Wallace kicked in the locker room door (still holding the finals trophy) and was quoted saying “Jack Nicholson still thinks you’re a pussy Shaq!”

Stay tuned for next weeks assessment of the pathetic group of ass-faces once known as the Phoenix Suns, Shaq Episode 2: Shaq Attacks Your Home

AFTERNOON UPDATE: Make up BIWMB for missing last weeks

Since I took last week off, and Amaysing’s next post probably wont come before we have Iraq on our list of countries viewing the site, the BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging) was missed.  To make up for such a travesty, I will be posting a double dose this week, today and Friday.

Just when I think I can leave the country of Sweeden alone, I always come across some little peach.  I swear to God that this country must stockpile hot motherfucking bitches, then use the miracle of science to make them even hotter, and since I’m not one of those guys that acts all stuck up when someone gets fake anything, this is a bonus for me.  Shit, a bitch could have a whole fake body, she could be constructed from whatever the fuck put Gumby together, and if she looks banging, I won’t complain…  And hey, if she dies, we can always mock her like Kanye West’s Mom.

Any-fucking-way, the weeks first BIWMB is Natacha Peyre from Sweeden.  So far, I can say this is easily my favorite BIWMB.  She’s so ridiculously fucking hot that she’d be one of those fucks where you stick it in, bust immediately in total shame, then brag and high five your friends about how you dished mean dick.