“Anyone ever tell you you say “fuck” a lot?” - Ron Klain, Recount

Before I get started, I suppose I should kick this off by saying that Kevin Craft fucking sucks.  The first quarter of this game isn’t even finished and he’s already thrown two picks that a Pop-Warner quarterback wouldn’t have tossed.  Norm Chow must be shitting a chicken right now, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with this fuck at least until October.  Anyway, on with the column.

The Morning After is a column I’ll be doing this season on the first major work day of the week, highlighting the games I watched this weekend, both NFL and NCAA.  Not to doddle around (because I have a fresh stack of Gianna porn downloaded), here are this weeks games (I will be interrupting intermittently to toss in side notes about the UCLA game):

-LSU (7) vs Appalachian State

Retards across the nation thought that this game had—

Hold the fuck up, allow me to doddle for a second.  Anyone notice that Gianna’s titties are getting floppier and floppier?  She’s going to have to do something about this as I’m finding some of her recent stuff slightly disturbing, the way those semi-filled sacks of flesh are flying around like a grandmother’s under-arm skin.

UCLA just blocked a punt on one of the worst examples of special teams
blocking I’ve seen.  Bill Gramatica thinks Tennessee are morons.

On with the chlorophyll….  As I was saying, retards across the nation thought this game had upset written all over it.  These are probably the same dumbfucks that thought the Bills had a chance in the Super Bowl after Thurman Thomas forgot his helmet.  Seriously, you couldn’t even get someone with Parkinson’s to convulse in a motion that would show them giving an upset the nod.  The only thing I found slightly puzzling about this game is why App State didn’t pull their QB after a quarter or two…

LSU won 8 zillion to -2, or something like that, I turned it off half way through the third because I was falling asleep.

-Bowling Green at Pittsburgh (25)

At least we wont be hearing about how shitty Pac-10 officials are this season (like we did all season a few years back after the Oregon/Oklahoma debacle).  No, this time the serious snafu came  from the faggots in the Big East and luckily for us, it didn’t cost the penalized team the game.  Robbing Kenny Lewis of his fumble recovery for a touchdown didn’t change the fact that Wannstedt still sucks.

 Kevin Craft just got ripped for a fourth time, this time it was a pick-6.  I can’t wait to hear Lou Holtz and his stroke-like speech impediment break down how shitty Craft is.

Bowling Green won in straight sets, dropping only two games.

 -USC (3) at Virginia

Side note, did anyone know the La Bamba kid was either Asian or a Pacific islander?  Not Richie Valens, but the guy who played him.  A voting commercial features him, Margaret Cho and Harold from Harold and Kumar, preaching to folks of their nationality to post a ballot this year.  Honestly, I’m sure the viewing populous of the UCLA/Tenn game is about 99% male.  I think they’d be better off featuring Miko Lee, Kianna Dior and Minka in a voting ad.

 
“Vote and I’ll fuck the shit out of you,” works a lot better
than getting told to participate in the election by a fat headded Marge Cho.

Right, USC and Virginia.  Apparently that preseason injury that Mark Sanchez suffered isn’t hampering him anymore.  Completing 74% of his passes and 3 TD strikes, he looked in good form.  With this in mind, I’m going to re-add the Jeff Gillooly hit on him to my Amazon.com wishlist.

USC came out of the gates hard and didn’t look back.  Leading 24 to 7 in the first half, USC continued their tradition of running up the score, concluding the game 52 to 7.  Normally I’d take any shot I can at USC, because, well, they’re fuckwads, but one cannot blame them for putting up four more touchdowns in the second half of this game.  The squad that Virginia put on the field reminded me of the NFL teams that Pete Carroll coached…

USC, to not get too far ahead of myself, is looking very vicious this year.   Anything could happen week to week, but at this point, it’s looking like this years matchup between them and Stanford will be around the 600-3 range, followed by the big, faggoty, horse mounted “Man of Troy” chopping down the Stanford Tree and feasting on the blood of his enemies.

-Alabama (24) at Clemson (9) and Illinois (20) at Missouri (6)

 I’m smashing both of these together because I was already at the bar, slamming down beers and remember only bits and pieces of these contests.  Quick touches on these…

• C.J. Spiller is stupid fast.  While returning a kick for a TD, he was grabbed and slowed, but his acceleration was just amazing.  His ability to change gears at a moments notice alone will make me want to take in more Clemson games this season.
• Juice Williams is stupid good.  If someone was to tell me he’d pass for 450 yards, 5  td’s and still lose, I’d tell them to-, well I’d tell them nothing actually, as Sam Keller destroyed LSU for 460 yards but the Sun Devils were robbed as the refs gave LSU a pity score, calling the incomplete pass to Early Doucet a touchdown.
• The polls are stupid.  Clemson ninth ranked?  Get the fuck out of here.  The Tigers made John Parker Wilson look like Peyton Manning, and Ingram and Coffee look like Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams.
• I might be stupid.  I still don’t buy Mizzou as a real team.  Illinois is fresh off a bowl butt-fuck from USC, let’s see if Mizzou can finally beat Oklahoma before we crown that ass.

And the UCLA game just gets interesting… On the exact same play that Craft tossed a pick-6 on, he now made the throw of the game, followed by a UCLA TD run to put them up.   Later on, Craft leads them on a last minute drive to to put them up.  Talk about night and day between the two halves…

Tomorrow: NFL picks for this week