“On and on, south of Heaven” - Slayer

As we at Horsetoothed continue to approach the record for most posts in a month (only 756 more left to go), I bring you the following report on how abysmal this summer has been for the world of sports.  So, without further delay, in no particular order (particularly because I don’t give a fuck about looking up the dates), your shitass summer:

NFL DRAFT: How hard is Mel Kipers fucking job?

 
Reporting from ESPN Studios Count ChoculaMel Kiper

Seriously…  Being the lazy fuck I am, I just so happen to have a 2006 College Football Preview magazine.  Open it up, look at the top 10 per position, cross-reference that with end of year stats and cue fucking John Madden for a BOOM because you got yourself Mel Kipers’ list.

Each year this legendary bag of douche winds up fucking teams that have fucked their fans by tanking a season to get one of the players on his golden list.  This year was no exception, especially for Raiders fans.  I’m sure you all are extremely proud of your 2-14 season last year, considering you idiots are still going to games wearing shit that the WWF’s former tag-team Demolition would laugh at, but how many of you are hopeful about your future being in JaMarcus Russell’s hands?

Are you familiar with the term “Johnny come lately”?  This situation is sorta like that, only its more like “JaMarcus come stupid, then sign lately”.

The sell points for JaMarcus?  An arm almost as strong as his appetite, as seen from his huge “I ATE A BABY” gut he was toting around the combine.  What they failed to mention was that he is perhaps the most successful moron qb the SEC has ever seen.  I’m not bullshitting you when I say this is not a smart man.  Fucking Air Bud could quarterback a booster compromised powerhouse team into a good record.  Don’t believe me?  Have a fucking look at Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart.  This dickbag has two probowl wide receivers and cannot figure out how to get them the ball.

Anyway, enjoy the 7 billion dollar signing bonus you got JaMarcus, cause you’ll be in the toilet quicker than the anal piss you get after a long night of drinking.  Yes, you’ll be classified as soupy excrement, just like that other big program QB the Raiders drafted many moons ago, Todd Marijuanavich.  Hopefully, on your way to making Ryan Leaf look like Dan Marino, you’ll land yourself a smoking hot bitch like Rodney Peete.  Either way, I hope you eat a bowl of Shit Flakes, Mel Kiper.

I could go on about how the Dolphin’s are total fucking morons for drafting Ted Ginn, or how Adrian Peterson is the next coming of Billy Simms, but if you watched the draft, you know it blew.

Kobe’ bitchfest: I say trade him to Denver so he can compete with Vick for headlines

Earlier this summer, Kobe debuted in an episode of “When keeping it real goes wrong”.  Yes, this sack of dung decided that the best way to voice his opinion was to unleash a barrage of interviews about how he is not appreciated and wants to be traded.  From Stephen A. Smith’s show, to getting jiggy with two white suburban dicksuckers in a mall parking lot, he made sure his side of the story was heard.  But did he really tell us anything we didnt know???

 
So wait, Jerry Buss is a fucking moron AND Andrew Bynum sucks? 
Get the fuck out of here…

What’s more surprising, the fact that Kobe doesn’t give a fuck about staying in LA and only cares about himself, or the fact that people were shocked that Kobe cursed when his ass was on trail for rape just a couple years ago…  Anyone enthralled with this saga this summer is a total idiot and should be hooked up to a respirator for fear of them forgetting to breathe.

PETA’s NEW SPOKESMAN, MICHAEL VICK!

For the sake of everyone on the planet, I will refrain from writing anything about him.  Two entries in a row about Vick would be overkill, especially with me rehashing how many pissed bitch housewives hate Vick for hurting puppies.  I will say this though, I used to really hate Vick, like vehemently hated him, but after all this trial shit I can easily say I hate housewives more than him now.  Where were all you pretentious, Starbucks drinking bitches when Rae Carruth was killing his pregnant girlfriend?  Burn in fucking Ikea hell.  I hope Oprah comes out of the fucking TV like The RING and beats you into a coma with your picket sign.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your 2007 NBA Champion: Tim Donaghy!

This was a shit summer all around for NBA fans and perhaps the apex of it all being this very scandal right here.  In the midst of the best series we’ve seen in years (Spurs vs Suns), we also got handed the worst officiated contest since game 6 of the ‘02 Western Conf Finals.  A game where Steve Nash can catch a knee to the nutsack, get dropped in agony and have play resume as normal…

This is definitely not the result of an “off-ball” foul

The fact that Tim is a total piece of shit isn’t even the worst thing of this whole scandal.  Who here actually thinks that he acted alone in his deeds?  Who thinks that everyone else on the NBA officiating staff is infallible and just?  I’ve known for years, just like anyone with half a fucking brain, that sports in general is crooked as scoliosis.  The Tim Donaghy scandal just solidified my thoughts that crooked refs exist (or at least beyond the realm of David Sterns fixings, yea fuck you too Davie).

Who knows how many games Tim and shitheads like Tim have ruined?  How many dirty refs were judging Jordan’s final game as a Bull, when the Jazz were robbed of a victory?  How many fucking refs fixed the ‘06 NBA Finals by giving Dwayne Wade 70 free-throws per game?  How many Sonics fans want blood for getting blatantly cheated in the 93 Western Conf Finals?

The New England Patriots: God Bless America!

For you idiots out there, summer ended this past weekend, meaning that the “Patriotgate” or whatever the fuck the hip lingo the press is using to define this fiasco, took place during this time.

C’mon now, who didn’t suspect a staunchly afterbirth like Bill Belichick was capable of such actions?  We’re talking about a guy who rode the coattails of one of my generations best coaches, Bill Parcells… The guy who shit the bed so horribly with the Cleveland Browns that he made Pete Carroll’s run with the Jets look like ‘72 Dolphins.

At least I didn’t kill dogs!  Am I right, housewives of America?

I thought for sure that since Roger Goodell spent the whole summer fining or suspending people, that the fucking hammer was going to get dropped.  I was prepared and ready for some serious ass whopping to begin when I heard the NFL had acquired the cheat films.  You can imagine my blue-balled surprise when I read that the NFL handed out a couple fines, took a draft pick or two, then destroyed the tapes like the shit never happened. 

McLaren got 100 motherfucking MILLION for cheating, AND we got detailed information about their exploits… 

Roger you fuckface racist shit, you have no problems disgracing and shitting on Chris Henry and Pacman Jones, but WHAT THE FUCK is this shit you pulled with the Patriots.  I mean, Chris and Pacman’s incidents were not even on the field, they fucked up in life outside the gridiron.  You’re not their fucking father, you’re not their God, yet you have no issue with making pieces of shit out of them when they’re already getting what they deserve from the United States judicial system.  But oh no, when a WHOLE FUCKING TEAM breaks the very laws upon which your job is to govern, you give them a slap on the wrist and the loss of the very last pick in the 1st round…  Awesome… I hope Oprah stops by your house and beats the shit out of you too.