Archive for January, 2008 Page 2 of 4

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Fuck Baseball

Published by flohtingPoint on January 17, 2008 in MLB. 2 Comments

“Boris the Blade, or Boris “the Bullet Dodger.” As bent as the Soviet’s sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it’s impossible to kill the bastard.” - Turkish, Snatch

You want to know what my favorite time of the year is? *All two of our readers shake their head “no” violently* My favorite time of the year is the time after Baseball season ends and before it begins, when nobody talks about motherfucking baseball. I can’t say I didn’t take complete joy during the strike in the 90’s, as it helped the MLB topple from being “America’s Past Time”, to the piece of shit, third rate sport it is.

Honestly, who the fuck can watch this shit? IT HAS NO FUCKING TIME LIMIT. Hypothetically, you could have some fuckbag hit foul balls for the next 10 years and the god damned game wont fucking end. Who the fuck is dumb enough to invent a game with such a critical flaw? You know your fucking sport sucks if you can play a doubleheader. Ask any NFL team if they want to play another game right after the one they played, and you’ll end up with one of the ends of the goal post stuffed up your ass like you’re a Jack In The Box antenna ball.

But what about soccer! These guys can play doubleheaders, that must mean futbol blows!

No, you cock-mouthed retard, the reason futbol clubs can play back to back games if need be is because their clubs are large enough to support that. The reason the MLB can have doubleheaders is because the fuckheads on the field spend more time doing NOTHING than actually doing something. The only jackass actually getting a workout and getting tired is the pitcher so go back to drinking your jiz flavored cosmopolitain and watching Albert Pujols.


That 12 fingered nasty ass Alfonseca should take a play out of
Ronnie Lott’s book and cut some of those phalanges off.

Anyway, I digress… My favorite time of the year is when NO BASEBALL is on fucking TV, because all I get is total unadulterated NFL and NBA coverage, you know, the sports the actually matter. Sadly, this time is gone now, cause we got every motherfucker in congress talking about baseball… Dont we have an election coming up? Cant you focus on something more important than if some asshole made himself stronger to play a game for the entertainment of many? Look, all I’m saying is our tax dollars are not getting wasted to support the investigation of claims that Cypress Hill smoked a shitload of weed to make their albums, SO WHY THE FUCK IS CONGRESS WASTING IT’S TIME WITH BASEBALL AND STEROIDS??!?! Why is part of my pay check being wasted to have people argue about prior drug usage in a sport that less people cared about than the last NBA Finals?

If the fact that this is a gratuitously enormous waste of money by America isn’t bad enough, the people there aren’t even taking it seriously and are total morons! Palmeri? 300 HITS?!?!?! Are you fucking serious?

Nobody went to court over Belicheats stupidass spy videos, Merriman isn’t having to testify to steriods and pretend he can speak english like like that gaywad Sosa, and Rodney Harrison is going to play in a Superbowl without the hassle of having phone calls between him and Brian McNamee taped while his fucking kid is DYING! Face it baseball fans, your sport fucking sucks and its filled with juiced assholes that are total whiners. Lawrence Taylor, Jack Lambert and Mike Singletary talked shit on every single play during their career and you guys get sandy vaginas when A-Rod shouted “HAH” at a third baseman… HAH? You hear more vulgar shit talk in Seminaries.

Now that I’ve worked myself up into a steaming pot of anger shit stew, I’m going to go grab some breakfast and pray that Dan Patrick isn’t talking about your pussy-ass baseball hearings.

Dear Philip Rivers…

Published by flohtingPoint on January 15, 2008 in Rudy Carpenter, Philip Rivers, College Football, BIWMB, Moosecocked idiots and NFL. 2 Comments

“You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity…” - Bullet Tooth Tony, Snatch


Look “7 year old in the stands”, dont make me come up
there and shove that hotdog up your ass!

Dear Philip Rivers,

Allow me to start off by saying that I wont be too disappointed if you dont read this. We are, perhaps, the least read blog on the internet (outside of the Michael David Chapman fanclub).

Now that I got the pleasantries out of the way, on to the meat and potatoes.
Look, while I thought that your little… uh… tiff with Jay Cutler was remotely funny (mainly because nobody likes Jay Cutler anyway), this dumb shit with the fans and you going batshit all the time, like you’ve been jacking Shawne Merriman’s roid stash, has got to stop. If you continue down this path, you’ll become…

Meet Rudy Carpenter, Phil. Rudy is just fresh off getting tag team bowl-fucked by Hawaii and Texas, so you’ll have to excuse him if he inadvertently cuts the cheese every once in a while because his anus looks like the puss of a woman who’s given birth 10 times. Rudy was doing the “I’m a badass” thing LONG before you started in on this shit encrusted path. He gets into regular verbal battles with SUN DEVIL fans (yea, thats right, he yells at his own supporters), causing screaming matches outside of barber shops or across campus. What about when he’s on the road? Forget about it, he’s jawing at everything in sight, making him the asshole of the PAC-10.

Back in high school, Rudy was “going steady” with a young woman named Brynn Cameron. Figuring he probably had his future set in stone, he thought he had nothing to worry about. Wrong… Brynn later went on to become one of Matt Leinart’s 10,000 bitches at USC, yet instead of busting on her face Bang Bro’s style, he impregnated her and bailed… Rudy is now daddy #2, as last time I heard, he’s taking care of Matt’s little love-mistake and living with Brynn. Real winner right there.

Phil, you’re one of the few people in the NFL that I don’t really have a problem with, or make fun of on a constant basis, but unless you want to join the ranks of Rudy “I let my daddy fight my battle vs Sam Keller” Carpenter, I’d suggest taking it down a notch.

Begrudgingly Yours (because you’re the only QB left in the playoffs that I don’t hate),
flohtingPoint and the staff here at Horsetoothed.com

Horsetoothed.com’s BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging):

p05-08-07_2317.jpg

Today’s BIWMB belongs to Manuela Pastore of Palermo, Italia. She’s ridiculous… I’d have to spend months saying Our Father’s and Hail Mary’s because of how carnal my knowledge would be. Yea, I miss traveling around my motherland of Italia, where I could splash on some olive oil, spray on my garlic scented Brut and pick up women.

What’s wrong/right with the NFL Playoffs?

Published by Amaysing1 on January 13, 2008 in Playoffs and NFL. 3 Comments

FU

-Amaysing1

Enough is enough.

flohtingPoint has been harassing me because of the horrible lack of posting by me in the last couple of days…

ok…months.

He has called me out in posts and even has the nerve to use my tactic of painstakingly adding attractive, semi-dressed women to horsetoothed posts.

flohtingPoint, I will steal a line from the great orator that is our President and give you these great sentiments.

Wbush

Anyways, I have decided to make a comeback (Translation: This may only last a week or two…).

So without further ado,

What’s wrong with the NFL Playoffs?

5. Patriots winning…Bill Simmons must be splooging all over his hand right now.

4. Josh Brown and his heated pants. If you aren’t aware of this, Josh Brown, the kicker for the Seattle Seahawks made it public that he was going to wear heated pants during their cold-weather game. I promise I won’t make fun of the guy, but one thing comes to mind

Chump

 

3. Football is almost over. College and NFL Football will be a distant memory soon.

2. Everytime I have to see Shawne Merriman do his lights out dance. Why is a grown-man doing that on the field? He looks as if he is going through a Niacin flush or just spazzing out. Has he forgotten that Maurice Jones Drew laid him out on a legal block? All 4′2 of MJD!!

1. The appearance that memorials are treated differently in the NFL. Everywhere you look during the playoffs, you will see the number 21 decal on the back of helmets. This unprecedented memorial is in remembrance of Sean Taylor.

While this is a remarkable gesture, what does this say about Darrent Williams, Damien Nash and Marquise Hill? Were their lives not as important to be remembered? I actually had the honor to meet Marquise and I remember him as a very down to earth and humble young man, especially to be one of few people that could say that he was a national champion at the collegiate and professional level.

The worst part about it is that the NFL set a horrible precedent when they threatened Jake Plummer with a substantial fine because he wanted to continue wearing the decal for his friend, Pat Tillman. What does this say about the NFL?

Die in a shooting, you get your number on a helmet. Die in Iraq, you get fined for wearing the number.

It isn’t even mandatory for all teams to wear number 21. The Chargers don’t wear the number. I guess they didn’t get the memo.

 

What’s right with the Playoffs?

The NFL Playoffs aren’t completely jacked. There are some really good things happening in the NFL during this time of year.

5. Cheerleaders. Self-explanatory…

Cheerleader

4. Dennis Green beer commercials. Dennis Green laughing like an idiot makes my day

3. Tiki Barber’s face as he watches Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning make their way through the playoffs.

2. Close Games. So far, we haven’t seen any major blowouts especially with the number 1 seeded teams playing this weekend. The Jaguars stuck with the Patriots for a good percentage of the game. The Green Bay game was great. Brett Favre’s pass to Donald Lee was incredible. The Chargers game was what it was. Someone really needs to tell Philip Rivers to shut up. The Cowboys get to go home early again this year. Parcells can rejoice knowing the team didn’t go deep in the playoffs and Romo can get criticism again from the stupid media.

1. Perhaps the best (somewhat f’d up) comment that I have seen regarding the playoffs can be given to a post that I recently seen on a board. I will leave you with his inspiring words…

“A perfect end to the season would be Brett Favre handing the Pats their first loss on Feb 3rd. At least that’s how it’d go in the movies.

And then his dad would come back to life. As a time-traveling robot.

Go Packers!”

A long time coming

Published by flohtingPoint on January 11, 2008 in Fuck USC, Reggie Bush and NCAA. 2 Comments

“Dinner was being prepared three time zones away on the West Coast on December 10, 2005. Lloyd Lake was sitting in his television room with buddies at his home in Southern California, watching the Heisman Trophy presentation to his friend Reggie Bush. But it wasn’t a sight that Lake enjoyed as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch and muttered to himself. Actually, he couldn’t believe what he had seen and heard. About everything that Bush owned at that point, Lloyd Lake had helped pay for. And yet, as Bush was accepting college football’s most prestigious award and getting ready to play in the most important game of his career – the national championship against Texas in 25 days – Lake realized that Bush had turned on him.” - Don Yaeger and Jim Henry, Tarnished Heisman

http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/news?slug=ys-…

It was probably a year ago that I first found the reports and allegations on Yahoo.com that Reggie Bush had taken gifts/money. Upon first glimpse, it was a great read, but it was also around this time that the nation was still irrationally captivated with this mediocre/sub-average running back, so I figured nothing was going to come of it. Well, at least until Reggie Bush shit the bed once again this year.

When Reggie first came into the league, 99,999/100,000 people were on his nuts, saying he was going to be the best running back ever, the next Gayle Sayers, Bowie over Jordan (in reference to his draft position), etc. For a span of around six to seven months there, I thought I was the only person with any God damned common sense. People were losing their minds over a fucking nobody who was putting up pathetic game after pathetic game. Sometimes I wondered if everyone was actually watching the same shit I was…

On December 3rd, 2006, 13 weeks into Reggie’s first season, he finally had a big game (albeit against the 49ers…), and society simultaneously had to change their pants from the massive ejaculation they experienced (like he didn’t play horribly mediocre for 12 weeks before that). When Reggie had that big play against the Bears in the playoffs, nobody (including the dumbfuck refs on the field) called the illegal screen set up by Marcus Colston, making the whole play void… At the beginning of the next season, ESPN had Reggie listed as one of the top 5 backs in the NFL, I wanted to tear my fucking hair out cause this worthless fuck wasn’t even the best running back on his team. His game was so shitty that it was giving me pink eye, but everyone else just kept buying the hype…

Week 3 of this season, the one thing that could expose a lot the excuses put forth by Reggie Bush sympathizers happened. Deuce went down with a season ending injury, making Reggie the premiere back. It was time to put up or shut the fuck up, and Reg chose the latter, having a joyfully shitcrusted year, capped off by an injury. Gradually folks started to wake up and see the light. People all across the nation started saying to themselves, “Hey, this motherfucker right here isn’t even the 10th best back in the NFC…” As Reggie’s truth became more and more apparent to the dumbfuck masses, the more talk there was about him being on the take in college, and talks of possibly stripping him of his Heisman and invalidating USC’s wins during that span. It was no surprise that it was also around this time that Reggie shitcanned his agent.

You had better believe that in four days, I will be in front of a Barnes and Nobles with a huge ass shit-eating grin on when this book comes out. Depending on how thick it is, it may wind up getting crushed that same day. Any bad news for Reggie, is always great news for me. And with this, I’m out, enjoy your weekend fuckers.

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