Archive for September, 2007

The Notre Dame Streak Continues…

Published by Amaysing1 on September 29, 2007 in Notre Dame and NCAA. 0 Comments

West Virginia loses to South Florida…

LSU and Tulane locked in a defensive struggle through the first half…

Illinois beating Penn State at the half…

Can I enjoy Notre Dame’s worse season ever in peace? I wouldn’t consider myself a life-long hater of Notre Dame; however I am enjoying the reality check that many people are getting regarding this over-rated football program.

Let’s do the math…

No Rocket Ismail + No Tim Brown + Unrealistic Expectations = 0-4.

Ryan Leaf wonders why Notre Dame gets all the attention for unrealistic expectations

Anyways, back to the close college football games. LSU obviously looked ahead to next week’s game against Florida. Honestly, as of halftime, Oklahoma looks like a better team than the Tigers.

*shakes head

Matt Flynn looked like a freshman and not a 5th year senior. I was surprised that Les Miles didn’t put Ryan Perrilloux in for more packages in the first half.

Perrilloux, the highly recruited quarterback from Louisiana, has thrown for more touchdowns and is a more versatile threat than the injured Flynn. Yet, there is something about him that makes me wonder if he is the real deal against top tier competition.

Perrilloux has high hopes to breaking Vince Young’s Wonderlic score

On to West Virginia…

It is an undeniable fact that we at horsetoothed enjoy watching the play of Steve Slaton. Tough competitor and humble spirited Slaton is a front runner for the Heisman award but he still continues to fly under the radar with USC, LSU, Oklahoma and Florida all undefeated.

It didn’t help that West Virginia lost to South Florida. This is the second year in a row that West Virginia has lost to USF and Slaton had 13 carries for only 54 yards. Oh well Oklahoma lost today so that should help them out a little. If not, the Texas loss should boost everyone in the bottom 10 up a couple slots at least.

Time for me to watch the USC and Washington game. I just checked the scoreboard and saw that Notre Dame lost to Purdue.

The Streak Continues…

Friday Amnesty: Five things I’ve done that were fucking stupid

Published by flohtingPoint on September 28, 2007 in Friday Amnesty. 0 Comments

“If you’re gunna be dumb, then you gotta be tough…” - Roger Alan Wade 

As I sit here at work, staring at the wall and wondering if Randy Moss has a legitimate chance to break the 2k barrier (125+ yds per game to do so), if Prius drivers know how homo they look and if the fucking douchebags that bought into the “swing dance” fad back in the late 90’s were ever properly beaten for such, I cant help but think I’ve forgotten something today…

Around the time I started day dreaming about pulling Brian Setzer out of his car and slamming a cinder-block onto his head like Reginald Denny, it dawns on me that today is Friday, which means that it’s time for my weekly emasculation.  You win this round Setzer, but once I get done with this shit Im going to Jump, Jive and Wail on your ass.  You, those “In the afterlife” faggots and the “Zoot-suit riot” fucking bastards are all due for an enormous prison-rape, blood for lubrication style beating for the horseshit you guys released. 

1) Watching the birth of one of my friend’s kids…

Child birth is easily the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in my life.  The damage a vagina must encounter from this instance in which the head of the infant tears away placenta and flesh to face the cold world must be substantial.  The huge crimson colored canyon left where the pussy used to belong not only made me regurgitate, but it also made me never look at Sally (the mother) the same way again.  To see this blood and amniotic fluid covered post-fetus being with a long rope attached to its stomach like a H.R. Giger drawing, looked like the most disgusting result of a period ever.


I was told it’s different if I’m the Father…
Yea, its different all right, cause I’d be
the one fucking the flabby-meat puss
once the Mrs. gets her sex drive back…

 

2) Taking a shit while drunk and nauseous

There I was, defecating not more than 10 centimeters from the bathtub, but somehow my body told me that puking into the pants around my ankles was a better idea.  To make matters worse, this was at a friends house.   I cleaned up by emptying my pants into the toilet, throwing them away and showering.  I spent the rest of the night in a bath-towel, possibly exposing my junk to the rest of the party.


Moral of the story?  If you think you’re going to puke, its better to just
shit in the bathtub.

 

3)Failing English class in the 8th grade

I’m lazy, like really lazy, like I’ll go out of my way to become lazier.  My teacher told me I was the first person to fail her class in a decade.  The result of failing an 8th grade class means you have to take high school summer school.  As a fun joke, my summer school teacher would make us do weekly book reports on the books she had stocked on her shelves.  The contents of said shelves?  Goosebumps, Sweet Valley High and the Baby Sitters Club.  Even today when I see Francine Pascal’s books at Barnes and Nobles I want to shoot myself in the face when I remember how I pissed away one of my summers writing analysis papers on how Johnny dumping Sarah was like totally wrong to the max.


You tell me whats worse, actually reading these books
or the fact that this was before I had an ISP
and I would memory jerk to some of this stuff…

 

4) Learning all the words to, and constantly singing the song “Beat It”

My mom has this video of me in 1986 at my birthday party, belting out “Beat It” and even doing air guitar to Eddie Van Halen’s part.  She insists that this is “cute” and uses every opportunity to show this to relatives, friends and neighbors…
Uncle Eddie: So how do you feel about the killing going on in Iraq?
Mom: Iraq?  How about my Son killing this song!!!  Oh,  you dont want to see no blood?  Don’t be a Macho Man!
*Jim places shotgun in mouth*


Pink tucked in t-shirt?  Check
Red “Ribbed for her pleasure” jacket?  Check
Jeri curl that would make Soul Glow jealous? Check
This man is one Bad, Dangerous Thriller…

 

5) Getting talked into going to a No Doubt concert

Gwen Stefani is easily the single most annoying pop-star of my generation.  She’s what you get if Boy George had Weird Al’s baby.  Back in 1995, this bitch I had a crush on talked me into going to this concert with her and her “friends” (I use that term lightly, because at that age, girls go through friends like they go through tampons, where as I had the same group of 4 friends my whole time in high school). 

 When I bought the ticket, I noticed the headliner was Bush and the Goo Goo Dolls (along with No Doubt obviously) were opening.  This is easily one of my top 5 moments I’m not proud of in my pursuit of puss as a young teen.

Anyway, we get to the concert at America West Arena and No Doubt comes out on stage, playing that shitfuck fiesta of a song “I’m Just a Girl”.  About half way through the song, the band stops and we got to hear a 15 minute rant from Gwen “Figure of an 11 year old boy” Stefani about how women’s rights are suppressed or some shit, but it came out with her saying “because I’m a girl” at the end of every sentence and making no sense at all. 

Upon finishing her pointless rant about women’s rights, which all the ignorant 15 year old girls were amped about, but had no idea about the history of women’s suffrage, she announced the all the guys in the room were going to sing in the lyrics to “I’m Just a Girl”, to make up for all those years of oppression…  She was dead serious about this. 

There I was, standing around, watching just about every male in the audience sing this pathetic colon-blow of a song and shaking my head.  When the emasculation concluded, and the band went about the rest of their musical catalogue, I learned an important lesson.  In 1995, there were no mosh pits at No Doubt concerts, and attempting to start one results in removal from the arena and a phone call to the Phoenix Police Department for a complain of assault and battery.


Gwen, this is what a real concert audience is supposed to look like.
Basically, there is supposed to be blood, carnage and the tearing of flesh…
Just like giving birth.

Five People/Things I Hate

Published by Amaysing1 on September 27, 2007 in Five People I Hate. 0 Comments

The staff at horsetoothed would like to thanks all of our readers for their continued support…

Only the writers’ parents applaud….and then laugh

Oh well, on to today’s post. Every so often we will make a post about 5 people or things that we hate. So without further ado…

Five People I Hate

5. Kanye West

This idiot showed great promise when he was a hungry producer striving for a chance to succeed as an artist. His desire was demonstrated on his ‘Through the Wire’ single. He just survived a life-threatening car accident; yet even this would not stop him from recording his passion in the booth.

‘…that’s groupie’s puss was this big’

After he got a taste of fame, this egotistical, narcissist never looked back. He was King and he wasn’t going to let anyone tell him different. You can catch him pouting at music awards and other events when he doesn’t win. Glad to see he has his priorities in check. Great potential, great execution, horrible follow-through….

4. Female Celebrities That Have No Reason To Be Celebrities

What makes certain celebrities deserve attention in the first place? Paris Hilton gained notriety from being the heiress to a billion dollar fortune and for making a sex tape. Nicole Ritchie became famous by being her friend and by being the daughter of R&B original, Lionel Richie. Do either of them deserve our attention? Not really…

‘I bet poor people hate their life’

Paris Hilton has been recently under the radar since serving a prison sentence. She claims that it has changed her life. So far it appears that is true. We will see how long it lasts.

3. Unfair Divorce\Child Support Settlements

How often does it happen that a husband goes through a divorce and ends up with no custody, alimony payments and a child support payment that he has no proof is going to be used for his child? There is definitely need for reform in divorce and child support settlements. It should be mandatory that there is some type of tracking for the way that child support is being spent. This is especially the case with celebrities and high-income earners. Currently, a system is in place that allows many women to exploit men who may have gotten married before getting to know their spouse or even trapping men with a child to receive child support.

This just in…Paul McCartney kills wife rather than give her 4oo million dollars for 4 years of marriage

Many of the laws are biased in the support of women. Ironically, it often happens that the honest, hard-working women are the ones who fail to receive adequate child-support or retribution for their legal fees. A system that allows exploitation of men for money and fails the mother’s that it is set to protect is a system that is severly flawed.

2. Bill O’Reilly

Mr. O’Reilly gets the coveted number two spot. I am sure that he will be here in future editions. Nonetheless, this buffoon recently ate with Rev. Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s, a Harlem soul food restaurant. Reports state that he ‘couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.’ In addition, while he was engaged in a conversation about how rap has a negative effect on blacks, he is quoted as saying “There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea.”

‘Black People Make O’Reilly Constipated

Mr. O’Reilly, why should one be surprised that a black establishment can be a place of business without tomfoolery or asinine actions? These comments aren’t surprising for Mr. O’Reilly, nor or they of grave danger to a race-conscious nation. However, that doesn’t stop you from getting the number 2 slot in my list.

1. flohtingPoint

Yes. HorseToothed’s other writer is the number one person that I hate. His favorite team, the Arizona Cardinals, have a better record than my beloved New Orleans Saints and you better believe I am getting an earful because of it. Drew Brees throws an interception? Here’s comes a text message letting me know how great the offensive line was on that play.

DGreen

Dennis Green’s new job after the dead-end coaching job of the Cardinals

It isn’t enough that the jokes happen. This is a yearly occasion. I actually look forward to it. We exchange jokes back and forth. The problem is that the Cardinals have only lost their games by a combined 6 points. The Saints have problems getting into the end zone to even score 6 points. Moral of the story? Keep your friends close…and your shitty teams closer

 

A summer shittier than Mel Kipers hair…

Published by flohtingPoint on September 26, 2007 in Mel Kiper, Slayer, Cheating fucking Patriots, Michael Vick, NFL and NBA. 0 Comments

“On and on, south of Heaven” - Slayer

As we at Horsetoothed continue to approach the record for most posts in a month (only 756 more left to go), I bring you the following report on how abysmal this summer has been for the world of sports.  So, without further delay, in no particular order (particularly because I don’t give a fuck about looking up the dates), your shitass summer:

NFL DRAFT: How hard is Mel Kipers fucking job?

 
Reporting from ESPN Studios Count ChoculaMel Kiper

Seriously…  Being the lazy fuck I am, I just so happen to have a 2006 College Football Preview magazine.  Open it up, look at the top 10 per position, cross-reference that with end of year stats and cue fucking John Madden for a BOOM because you got yourself Mel Kipers’ list.

Each year this legendary bag of douche winds up fucking teams that have fucked their fans by tanking a season to get one of the players on his golden list.  This year was no exception, especially for Raiders fans.  I’m sure you all are extremely proud of your 2-14 season last year, considering you idiots are still going to games wearing shit that the WWF’s former tag-team Demolition would laugh at, but how many of you are hopeful about your future being in JaMarcus Russell’s hands?

Are you familiar with the term “Johnny come lately”?  This situation is sorta like that, only its more like “JaMarcus come stupid, then sign lately”.

The sell points for JaMarcus?  An arm almost as strong as his appetite, as seen from his huge “I ATE A BABY” gut he was toting around the combine.  What they failed to mention was that he is perhaps the most successful moron qb the SEC has ever seen.  I’m not bullshitting you when I say this is not a smart man.  Fucking Air Bud could quarterback a booster compromised powerhouse team into a good record.  Don’t believe me?  Have a fucking look at Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart.  This dickbag has two probowl wide receivers and cannot figure out how to get them the ball.

Anyway, enjoy the 7 billion dollar signing bonus you got JaMarcus, cause you’ll be in the toilet quicker than the anal piss you get after a long night of drinking.  Yes, you’ll be classified as soupy excrement, just like that other big program QB the Raiders drafted many moons ago, Todd Marijuanavich.  Hopefully, on your way to making Ryan Leaf look like Dan Marino, you’ll land yourself a smoking hot bitch like Rodney Peete.  Either way, I hope you eat a bowl of Shit Flakes, Mel Kiper.

I could go on about how the Dolphin’s are total fucking morons for drafting Ted Ginn, or how Adrian Peterson is the next coming of Billy Simms, but if you watched the draft, you know it blew.

Kobe’ bitchfest: I say trade him to Denver so he can compete with Vick for headlines

Earlier this summer, Kobe debuted in an episode of “When keeping it real goes wrong”.  Yes, this sack of dung decided that the best way to voice his opinion was to unleash a barrage of interviews about how he is not appreciated and wants to be traded.  From Stephen A. Smith’s show, to getting jiggy with two white suburban dicksuckers in a mall parking lot, he made sure his side of the story was heard.  But did he really tell us anything we didnt know???

 
So wait, Jerry Buss is a fucking moron AND Andrew Bynum sucks? 
Get the fuck out of here…

What’s more surprising, the fact that Kobe doesn’t give a fuck about staying in LA and only cares about himself, or the fact that people were shocked that Kobe cursed when his ass was on trail for rape just a couple years ago…  Anyone enthralled with this saga this summer is a total idiot and should be hooked up to a respirator for fear of them forgetting to breathe.

 

PETA’s NEW SPOKESMAN, MICHAEL VICK!

For the sake of everyone on the planet, I will refrain from writing anything about him.  Two entries in a row about Vick would be overkill, especially with me rehashing how many pissed bitch housewives hate Vick for hurting puppies.  I will say this though, I used to really hate Vick, like vehemently hated him, but after all this trial shit I can easily say I hate housewives more than him now.  Where were all you pretentious, Starbucks drinking bitches when Rae Carruth was killing his pregnant girlfriend?  Burn in fucking Ikea hell.  I hope Oprah comes out of the fucking TV like The RING and beats you into a coma with your picket sign.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your 2007 NBA Champion: Tim Donaghy!

This was a shit summer all around for NBA fans and perhaps the apex of it all being this very scandal right here.  In the midst of the best series we’ve seen in years (Spurs vs Suns), we also got handed the worst officiated contest since game 6 of the ‘02 Western Conf Finals.  A game where Steve Nash can catch a knee to the nutsack, get dropped in agony and have play resume as normal…


This is definitely not the result of an “off-ball” foul

The fact that Tim is a total piece of shit isn’t even the worst thing of this whole scandal.  Who here actually thinks that he acted alone in his deeds?  Who thinks that everyone else on the NBA officiating staff is infallible and just?  I’ve known for years, just like anyone with half a fucking brain, that sports in general is crooked as scoliosis.  The Tim Donaghy scandal just solidified my thoughts that crooked refs exist (or at least beyond the realm of David Sterns fixings, yea fuck you too Davie).

Who knows how many games Tim and shitheads like Tim have ruined?  How many dirty refs were judging Jordan’s final game as a Bull, when the Jazz were robbed of a victory?  How many fucking refs fixed the ‘06 NBA Finals by giving Dwayne Wade 70 free-throws per game?  How many Sonics fans want blood for getting blatantly cheated in the 93 Western Conf Finals?

 

The New England Patriots: God Bless America!

For you idiots out there, summer ended this past weekend, meaning that the “Patriotgate” or whatever the fuck the hip lingo the press is using to define this fiasco, took place during this time.

C’mon now, who didn’t suspect a staunchly afterbirth like Bill Belichick was capable of such actions?  We’re talking about a guy who rode the coattails of one of my generations best coaches, Bill Parcells… The guy who shit the bed so horribly with the Cleveland Browns that he made Pete Carroll’s run with the Jets look like ‘72 Dolphins.


At least I didn’t kill dogs!  Am I right, housewives of America?

I thought for sure that since Roger Goodell spent the whole summer fining or suspending people, that the fucking hammer was going to get dropped.  I was prepared and ready for some serious ass whopping to begin when I heard the NFL had acquired the cheat films.  You can imagine my blue-balled surprise when I read that the NFL handed out a couple fines, took a draft pick or two, then destroyed the tapes like the shit never happened. 

McLaren got 100 motherfucking MILLION for cheating, AND we got detailed information about their exploits… 

Roger you fuckface racist shit, you have no problems disgracing and shitting on Chris Henry and Pacman Jones, but WHAT THE FUCK is this shit you pulled with the Patriots.  I mean, Chris and Pacman’s incidents were not even on the field, they fucked up in life outside the gridiron.  You’re not their fucking father, you’re not their God, yet you have no issue with making pieces of shit out of them when they’re already getting what they deserve from the United States judicial system.  But oh no, when a WHOLE FUCKING TEAM breaks the very laws upon which your job is to govern, you give them a slap on the wrist and the loss of the very last pick in the 1st round…  Awesome… I hope Oprah stops by your house and beats the shit out of you too.

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